Satirizing The Southern Baptist Convention

From Seth of the Imaginary News Network! A Classic!

Jesus Returns, Joins Southern Baptist Convention

AUGUSTA, GA - In a glorious nod to orthodox preterists everywhere, Jesus Christ has returned. In an equally shocking turn of events, He has decided to join the SBC. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for SBC Chairman Bill Harrell said, “I told you so.” Speaking on the condition of anonymity the spokesperson then went on to mention that not every person in the SBC is happy about the events of the recent weeks.

“We are somewhat concerned about His use of alcohol,” said the spokesperson. It is well-known that the SBC has absolute intolerance for any use of alcohol. “Well, I mean, we’ve read about the whole water to wine thing, and the whole ‘blood of the covenant’ thing, but we never figured that He meant he would really ‘drink from the fruit of the vine’ again.”

When asked why, the spokesperson said, “The neo-liberal, heretic, emerging kooks get to pick and choose what they like, why shouldn’t we be able to do the same?”

As it turns out, the SBC formed a committee to discuss the issue of Jesus Christ’s use of alcohol in ceremony and in celebration of His return. This committee was sequestered for several days, debating the theological implications of Jesus actually using alcohol. After several days of debate and discussion, an unofficial verdict has been leaked.

“We’ve decided that it is not in the best interest of the SBC to have Jesus Christ in a prominent role, so we have suspended Him and are requesting a formal resignation. It’s not Jesus that we have a problem with, it’s the alcohol. It just isn’t the image we want to portray.”